POTENT PORTABLE

A disturbingly amusing set up I came upon during a stroll along Market Street this past Sunday morning.

PICTURE THIS - CALIFORNIA WINTER

Baby, it's warm outside.

WHAT A DRAG

There are few actors or actresses who made smoking look as good as Lauren Bacall did in the classic "To Have and Have Not," which I saw on television last night.

I almost wanna run out and get a pack right now.

FOODIE CALL

A text conversation with Ryan from yesterday, beginning at 10:34am:

Ryan: wanna go to Sol Food?
Me: YEAH! When?
Ryan: like, nowish

So 30 minutes after finishing breakfast, I was on my way to lunch.

Oh yeah, Sol Food will do that to you.

EIGHT MILLION STORIES

There are eight million stories in the naked city, and this is one of them.

Picture it, Good Friday, 1995, and I'm heading up to Hartford, CT for the weekend. I hailed a cab at 5th Avenue and 78th (I was living on E. 78th Street, between 5th and Madison back then). 

“Penn Station, please,” I requested as I climbed in. The driver stepped on the gas, and away we went. He asked if I had any plans for the holiday weekend. I replied yes, that I was going up to Connecticut for the weekend, and asked what he had planned. He said he had a couple more hours on his shift and that he was going to stop and pick up some dinner for him and his family.

“I’m picking up some fish because it’s Friday. You don’t eat meat on Friday, and that includes pussy. You don’t eat no pussy on Good Friday.”

Yes, he really did say that, and yes, I really laughed my ass off.

So we turned left from Central Park South onto 7th Avenue, where we found ourselves caught up in the hell that is midtown traffic. So like any good taxi driver, mine starts weaving his way through, all while still chatting me up. 

At some point, another driver cuts us off, and my driver screams “Fuck You” to that driver. My driver then pulls up to the offending driver and begins to engage him in a war of words and middle fingers, all while slowly making our way down 7th Avenue. As the traffic started to clear up, the other guy then flips my driver the bird and takes off. My driver screams “Fuck you, I’m gonna break your muther fucking fingers off and shove ‘em up your ass,” and with that, the race was on.

He stepped on the gas hard, with the sudden force of acceleration throwing me back. My driver went after the the other car with reckless abandon, weaving in and out of the lanes, speeding, screaming expletives, middle fingers flying, and me in the backseat scared, excited, and holding on for dear life. I had only been living in the city I call "My Oz" for a couple of months at this point, and this was TOTALLY feeding into the fantasy of what I thought life in New York City was all about.

My driver eventually lost the other car, but got me to Penn Station rather quickly. As we pulled up, he apologized about the scene, to which I replied “don’t worry about it, that was fucking awesome!” 

I tipped him $5 on a $7 ride and wished him a happy Easter.

There are eight million stories in the naked city, and this was one of them.

MAD MEN

Here are a couple of advertisements from an era when female indentured slavery was used as a marketing tool.

Disturbingly hilarious, don't you think?

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM

Straus Family Creamery Organic Dutch Chocolate.

Oh yeah, it was that good.

FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

I'm not sure why this issue is becoming such a hot topic among a few GOP candidates, but Newt is at it again. 

Gingrich yesterday said that if he was invited by the NAACP to its annual convention, he would attend and discuss "why the African-American community should demand paychecks, and not be satisfied with food stamps."

Statistics are pretty clear, here. White folks are the OVERWHELMING majority of welfare recipients, Mr. Gingrich.

I'm beginning to wonder if this prick buys his sheets at the KKKMart.

PICTURE THIS

Here's a nice shot of the Golden Gate Bridge I captured during my afternoon bike ride, yesterday.

FLOTILLA DEBARGE

I just read an amusing news story about how local ferry operators are having to adjust maximum passenger capacity loads to allow for the increased weight of their passengers.

There is a mathematical calculation used to determine the maximum weight allowed on boats, which is then divided by the assumed average weight of each passenger. The current capacity limitations, which is decided by the Coast Guard, was last updated in 1960, when the average weight of Americans was 160 pounds.

Today, that number has ballooned, according the the Centers for Disease Control, to 185 pounds, causing local ferries to lower their maximum passenger capacity.

This is too funny.

Hey America, maybe it's time you try the salad bar.