THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'

Neil Barrett for Palladium

And that's just what they'll do, when the weather gets better.

WHAT A DRAG

This is how good I thought I looked when I was a smoker.

It's just like looking in a mirror.

THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN

So I allowed myself to get caught up in an unintentional spring clean project today, and this is what I found in a few bags that have been sitting in a corner for at least a couple of years:

• Season 3 of Weeds on DVD (something I didn't even know I had, but now my Saturday night is planned, woo-hoo)
• An unactivated MasterCard, still in the sealed envelope (not sure how that got passed me, but I threw it out)
• Some unpaid hospital bills (oops)
• A printed email forwarded to me by my boss, from his boss at the-too-big-to-fail Lehman Brothers, about what I great job I was doing with the fail trade management (dated September 10, 2001)

Of course, I found no money.

MAKE IT RAIN

Meg's post this morning about what she and some of her besties would spend their lotto winnings on inspired the steaming poop staff to compile a similar list, and this is what we'd buy with that $640 million dollars:

Dinner with Emma Stone at her favorite restaurant
That new non-invasive body contouring
A luxury suite at Yankee Stadium
New clothes
The Bulleit Bourbon distillery
A bigger house in a nicer part of town
Pay off my parents mortgage
A car (I've never owned a car in my entire life)
First class airline tickets to anywhere I felt like going
A private Go-Go's / Bikini Kill / Best Coast concert
Anderson Cooper

More importantly, I'd give most of it away to charity because, really, no one should have that much money, anyway, and here are just some of the charities that would benefit from that belief:

Planned Parenthood
Habitat For Humanity
Lyon-Martin Heath Services
Lake County Hospice

I'd also start my own SUPERPAC, and donate to my favorite political causes and candidates.

What would you spend your winnings on?

SHIT MY BARBER SAYS

"I don't give a fuck about the little chunks of fat"

-- My barber Dan, as we talked our recent and coincidental addiction to Salami.

FOODIE CALL

I wouldn't normally post about a standard restaurant visit, like the one I had with former Gapsters Schmephanie and Schmemily at Gordon Biersch yesterday, but the Turkey Sandwich I ordered, as you can see, was really good.

BITE THE BULLEIT

When I finished the last of my favorite late-night drink last week, I wasn't sure how or when I was going to restock. Finding Bulleit Bourbon at my local Costco store, in the 1.75L economy size, was almost more exciting than I could possible take.

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

Welcome back, Ativan.

You have no idea how much you've been missed.

PICTURE THIS

I love that I was able to edit this picture I took of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge inside my Android phone.

Great shot, if you ask me.

COFFEE, TEA, OR XANAX?

"They're going to take us down, they're taking us down, they're going to take us down. Say the Lord's prayer, say the Lord's prayer."

This is what an apparently disturbed JetBlue Airline captain was screaming as he ran up and down the aisle of a plane he was supposed to be flying from New York City to Las Vegas. The co-pilot locked him out of the cockpit, the passengers restrained him, and the plane was safely landed.

Shit like this is why I only fly private.

TARDY TO THE PARTY: THE BIG LEBOWSKI

"Mark it zero, Smokey"

I'm not sure why I waited so long to see this Cohen Brothers classic from 1998, because I totally (and not surprisingly) laughed my fat ass off.

THE LIGHT

I don't know, I'm starting to feel like that light at the end of the tunnel is getting darker and smaller.

HOUSE PARTY

I am so loving me some Betty Bowers.

SOLE DESIRE

I like these. I like these a lot.

BIG CATCH

MP as Elvira in Scarface - if only bag ladies
looked like you, Michelle

"It was a turning point for me, because I could understand why men would find her sexy . . . I wish I'd been more like her. Before that, I would walk around looking like a bag lady!"

-- Michelle Pfeiffer on her role as Susie Diamond in the Fabulous Baker Boys

Oh brother, sounds like someone is fishing for a compliment.

BOOKWORM

"To ask for anything is always the wrong way to begin a conversation but I am not one to beat about a bush, even a bush as unappetizing as Buck Loner. He sat back in his steel and black leather chair, a very expensive item selling for about four hundred dollars at the best office supply stores. I know, I worked one entire year at Abercrombie and Fitch, and so got an idea of just how expensive nice things can be."

-- Myra Breckenridge, Gore Vidal, 1968

BULLSHIT

"What speech did you listen to? Stop lying. I said he was the worst Republican to run on the issue of Obamacare, and that's what I was talking about. C'mon man, what are you doing?"

"Quit distorting my words. If I see it, It's bullshit."

Damn, Sanitorium, you kiss your daughter (standing behind you) goodnight with that potty mouth? That sure is some ungodly language you're using.

Maybe you should try the decaf.

IF I ONLY HAD A HEART

While it doesn't appear that former overlord Dick Cheney hopscotched his way to the top of the donor list, I do question how appropriate it is for a 71-year old to receive a heart transplant.

All I can think is that he sure must have one hell of a health insurance plan.

It's an especially well-timed debate, considering the Supreme Court will be presented today with arguments regarding key aspects of the Obama health care plan, in particular, the provision that requires individuals to have health insurance by 2014, or be penalized.

Well, at least we know Cheney is covered.

CHASING WATERFALLS

It would be so cool to be here right now.

SUNDAY BRUNCH

SUNDAY FUNNIES

SUNDAY SERVICES

Actually, it's his or her followers who seem to have a problem with facts, if you ask me.

FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

“I believe that George Zimmerman, the overzealous neighborhood watch captain, should be investigated to the fullest extent of the law, and if he is criminally liable he should be prosecuted. But I am urging the parents of black and Latino youngsters particularly to not let their children go out wearing hoodies."

"I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was."

Geraldo, blaming Trayvon Martin for his own death because of what he wore is no different than telling a woman who was raped that it happened because of what she was wearing.

Oh my god, you are SUCH an asshole!

FOODIE CALL

I admit to being taken aback a bit when my meal, the Pescado Frito (Grilled Tilapia), was served with the face still attached.

However, as you can see, I still gutted it like, well, a fish.

Once again, Sol Food, you did not disappoint.

PICTURE THIS

Here are a couple of shots that were taken in Emeryville yesterday, just before a seemingly successful job interview.

ZOOM-ZOOM

I'm not sure if I'd own one, but driving a Mini Cooper, my Zip Car rental from yesterday, was still a lot of fun.

BRONX CHEER

With a somewhat lackluster pre-season stat of 11-9-1, I'm not sure how I'm feeling about my Yankees prospects this season.

I know the season hasn't started yet, but April 13 (opening day) is fast approaching, so let's get this party started, guys.

THE RIVER WILD

I'd LOVE to do some canoeing this summer.

BURGER TIME

Yes, I hear you calling, and I'll try to be over there later this afternoon.

DR. STRANGELOVE

Oh, that's right. Naomi Campbell and Mike Tyson briefly dated in the early 90's.

I HAVE A DREAM

I dreamed that I was in Los Angeles, last night.

ANCHORS AWAY

No reason, just because I saw it and liked it.

PHONE SEX

Even though I was gainfully employed at a brokerage downtown, I took a part-time job as a phone sex operator. A friend of mine at the time was a full-time operator, and she used to record her calls and then play them back for our amusement. One day I said to her "I could totally do this" and just like that, I was soon hired by the agency she worked for. I only held the job for a couple of months, until the novelty wore off. Anyway, because I had to be at work so early in the morning (market hours meant reporting to work around 6am), I would unplug my phone before I went to sleep.

One night I forgot to unplug the phone, and I was awakened around 2am. It was the service, and they said they knew I wasn't signed on, but a caller had requested to speak to a guy and, would I take the call?

Half-dead asleep, I said ok, and here's how one of my last (and more amusing calls) went:

Me: So what would you like us to be doing?

Him: Well, I want to ask you something first.

Me: Sure, what?

Him: Well, I really want to fuck my wife in the ass, but she won't let me. How can I change her mind?

I thought it was strange that a guy would be calling a phone sex line for advice, but I'm a sympathetic listener. Anyway, after a small back and forth about anal sex, I reminded him that he had only paid for 5 minutes, and those 5 minutes were almost up.

Me: Ok, your time is almost up, so if you wanna do something, we're gonna need to get started right now, so what do you wanna hear?

Him: I want to walk in and find you fucking my wife in bed.

Me: CENSORED

Him: Oh yeah

Me: CENSORED

Him: CENSORED

Me: So are you gonna join us?

Him: No, I want to watch and jack off.

Me: CENSORED

Him: Oh yeah

Me: CENSORED

Him: No, I wanna see you fuck her in the ass!

Me: You want me to fuck her in the ass?

Him: YEAH!

Me: If she won't let you fuck her in the ass, what makes you think she's gonna let me?

Him: Ok, Goodnight, Hank (my phone name). Go back to sleep.

(click)

SPELLCHECK

Oh Safeway, I hope you're not keeping the finger condoms behind the counter at the pharmacy.

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

So, I was woken up around 4am yesterday morning by two raccoons fighting on the backyard deck of my next door neighbor.

When the hell did San Francisco become Petticoat Junction?

ENDORSEMENT DEAL

'Nuff said?

Re-elect Obama 2012.

PICTURE THIS

Is this somewhere along the Amazon, you ask? Bora Bora, maybe? How about Sri Lanka, Thailand, or Tahiti?

No way, man, you're not even close.

It's Golden Gate Park, as seen during a recent bike ride.

DOCTOR'S NOTE

If Arizona republicans get their way, pending legislation would make it "a little bit more uncomfortable for women" seeking coverage for birth control.

The law would allow employers who have religious or moral objections to birth control, the right to refuse coverage via their health plans. However, those employers would be required to provide birth control coverage for other medical reasons IF the woman is able to explain why she needs it to that employer.

What. The. FUCK?

Governor Jan Brewer says "(But) I certainly would probably agree with the majority of people that would be a little bit uncomfortable for a woman to have to go to her employer and tell him or her their private health issues."

Um, yeah, you think?

The bill has passed a Senate committee and the House, and is currently going through a legal review in the Senate before it comes up for a full vote. Ms. Brewer hasn't decided whether she'll sign the bill into law, if and or when it makes to her desk.

ZOOM-ZOOM

Oh man, I would look so good pulling up to Sol Food in this fine piece of machinery.

Me likey a lot.

SUNDAY FUNNIES

WORDS OF WISDOM

"Man everybody got AIDS and shit. You know, what is it that you think you do? You fuck 'em without fucking them, that's what you do! Well it ain't right!"

I spent this morning with a long-lost friend, the movie Showgirls.

So ridiculously hilarious.

GREEN PARTY

Happy St. Patrick's Day from the staff of The Steaming Poop blog.

DIABLOS BLANCOS

Talk about March Madness.

During a recent NCAA basketball tournament game, members of the Southern Mississippi University band were heard taunting Kansas State player Angel Rodriguez by chanting "Where's your green card?"

Angel does not need a green card, as he is from Puerto Rico, a territory of the United States, which makes him an American citizen.

Assholes.

DIABLO BLANCO

"sí, estoy muy loco"

"Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law . . . And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language, such as Hawaii, but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language."

-- Rick Sanitorium, to spanish newspaper El Vocero

I'm no expert, but as far as I know, there is nothing in the Constitution regarding English as the principal language of the United States. There are no statutes, no laws, or anything that mandates English being the principal language of any state, you asshole, so I'm not sure why you felt the need to pontificate on an issue as empty as this one.

SOLE DESIRE

I don't know who took this picture, but it's on an IRT subway line in New York City, and I posted it because I fucking LOVE those boots.

I would totally mug him for them if I had the chance.

WHERE'S WALDO?

I have no clue why this song popped into my head yesterday morning, but it's what I sang in the shower before the gym, in the shower after the gym, and as I danced around my apartment in my underwear.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Van Halen classic Hot For Teacher.

Oh, and you're welcome.

TARDY TO THE PARTY: THE ARTIST

Absolutely charming.

I'm pretty good at picking out winners of Academy Award nominees, and I've got a sneaking suspicion this modern classic could quite possible take the Best Picture honors. I would even go so far as to predict that Jean Dujardin will win the Oscar for Best Actor, as well.

FOODIE CALL

Coming in at only $10 and 660 calories, the Low-Fat Turkey Chili and Side Salad at The Fresh Market at Neiman-Marcus would be a bargain at double the price.

Oh, and as you can see, it was good.

REAR WINDOW

It's been a little over four years since I first reported it, and it looks like my slumlord may actually be taking steps to fixing it.

Fucking finally.

Stay tuned, folks, this is going to be interesting.