BARELY LEGAL

So I'm watching The Last American Virgin on television today. It's a pretty awful movie, but it's a reminder of what teen movies were like back in the 80's. We didn't have wimpy films like Harry Potter and the Whatever, Twilight, or shit like that.

We had REAL movies. Movies that we got to see without a parent or guardian, even though they were rated "R"(because the box office didn't care and didn't card). Movies that were filled with drugs, LOTS of sex, LOTS of nudity (male AND female), drinking, abortions, parties, and really, REALLY good music.

That's the way it was and WE LIKED IT!

Seriously, we did.

Most of the movies in this genre were not good, however, some have become true classics, and this is a little bit of what we saw:

Fast Times at Ridgemont High - (Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason-Leigh, Judge Reinhold, Phoebe Cates) based on the essays of Cameron Crowe, who went undercover at a San Diego-area high school to catalog the sexual goings-on of the modern high school student.

Risky Business - (Tom Cruise, Rebecca De Mornay) local preppy goes pimp, suburban-style, while his parents are out of town - yeah, it could happen.

Little Darlings - (Kristy McNichol, Tatum O'Neal, Cynthia Nixon) two girls attending summer camp bet on who will LOSE their virginity first.

Valley Girl - (Nicolas Cage, Deborah Foreman) modern update of the good-girl falling for the good-guy from the wrong-side of the tracks. In this case, he lives in the rough, tough, punk-rock town of Hollywood. She lives in the safe, mall-riddled San Fernando Valley.

Losin' It - a carload of boys (Tom Cruise, Jackie Earle Haley) drive to Tijuana to lose their virginity, but end up getting lessons on how to treat a lady from divorcee Shelley Long.

Spring Break - (no one important) two nerds drive from New York City to Fort Lauderdale for sex, alcohol and wet t-shirt contests during, well, spring break.

Porky's - (Kim Catrall, Boyd Gaines, and no one else really important) this one is the holy grail of teen sex comedies and was a MONSTER hit. High schoolers in 50's-era Fort Lauderdale seek revenge on the owner of a local whorehouse who steals their money.

The Last American Virgin - (Steven Antin and no one else really important) this REALLY bad and depressing romp, like Valley Girl, takes place in The Valley. The good guy and the bad guy are best friends yet they both like the same girl. The bad guy gets the girl pregnant and dumps her. The good guy swoops in, pays for her abortion and supports her choice the whole way. Then later, at a party, the good guy walks in to see the bad guy and the no-longer pregnant girl making out. The good guy walks out, drives away, cries and the credits roll. Seriously, that's how the movie ends.

Long live the 80's.